self censorship.

one of the biggest things i think about when (prospectively) writing blog posts is how much of me i want to put out there. after writing a post, i usually read through and delete all excessive whining, but that's not something i feel bad about. but then i wonder, is that whining getting rid of a vital part of the entitled snob in me? or are my posts better off without "her"?

i try to be honest on here but it's really hard to maintain that. where do i draw the line between sharing things and not? do i talk about my rocky relationship with my father? do people care? can i do that without making it sound pitiful and attention-seeking? not that my father would find this blog, but if he did, would he be angry? probably. but do i write anyways? isn't that part of an online diary? i'm just not sure.

i want to write and be brutally honest and offensive like all the posts that i write mentally, because that's what i like to read. but i'm still working on where to draw the line.

ready or not.

so, all summer it seems i've been craving the beginning of the school year. i mean, on one hand it means lovely things like aforementioned best friend returning from china after 11 freaking long weeks, new binders, and pens with all the caps still attached [well for the first, erm, three days].

but on the other hand, it is the return of social obligations i will manage to weasel myself out of [i will soon write a post about my social anxiety because that's fun, right?] and tests! oh my god, tests. and getting used to new schedules and different class rooms and finding a table to sit at for lunch. oh my good god, let's not mention the public transportation. it makes my skin crawl just thinking about bus cards and wallets and pot holes. oh dear... -shudders-

but my least favorite part of school is the first month or so when you're just getting used to everything. every forgotten homework is magnified to ten billion times its miniscule priority in getting you into college. every binder left in it's locker is enough reason to break out into a cold, goosebumpy sweat that sticks around for at least two classes, leaving hands too shaky to pick up a pencil and take notes. i hate getting lost for class and feeling like the teacher is going to send you straight to the vice principal's office because OMG YOU'RE 35 SECONDS LATE! when really they usually give you a knowing smile [the first week] or a worthless detention slip waiting to be filled out [second week-october, at which point they usually just sigh and go back to class], or in the only case i got lost last year, the teacher hadn't even entered the room yet. she was outside on her cell phone, but she's a completely different story.

but for now, those are just the panic attacks of the future. right now my big worries concern: SUMMER READING. dear god, as my best friend once said, "i understand teacher makes us do reading for coursework, but must it be so booooooooooooooooooooooring. they could assign us something interesting and we would actually read it!" but instead of actually typing out the blog posts i have written out in my head over the past month, these next three weeks i need to start doing the 3 books, math homework, and chemistry chapters i've put off all summer. because i have a conscience and limited funds to buy sparknotes. because school's going to come whether i like it or not.

[does this post actually have a plot? no?]

-le sigh-

i've been postponing a post because everytime i try to think about what to post, it ends up whiny. i do not want this blog to be me whining about everything, because there are people who are homeless, who don't have clean water, who aren't educated. so, i feel pretty bad talking about how awful kidney stones are or how much my father is ticking me off.

but you know what? i really miss my best friend. i had three seperate dreams about her last night, and they all made me really happy. i love having dreams that make me want to go back and just live in that dream instead of having to wake up.

however, today i have been very sad and mopey, because i miss her so much. you see, she is from china and has gone back to study this summer. our only correspondance now is through daily emails. as i wrote a response to her today, i struggled to put my feelings into words. i started to type "i had a dream last night you came home early, it made me smile when i woke up" but erased it before pressing send. i am not sure she considers here home yet.

these emails make me sad, but exhilirate me at the same time. it is great to hear from her, but there are things i really miss. like the noise that she made when she got really, really ticked that reminded me of a cat? it's going to be a really long 7 weeks until i see her.

omg it's been awhile.

SOOO, yeah. it's been like two months since i've posted. whoops. and it's not even like i was that busy, and have a reason. but now i'm basically stuck in bed for the next three weeks from kidney stones, i bet i'll update more.

summer has been pretty boring. i don't have a job, but i was planning on volunteering at the hospital, but that will probably have to wait until august. i was really looking forward to going to vermont for fourth of july... it was gonna be awesome. we were gonna hit the fireworks in ran.dolph on 3july, and then air.plane flats in 4july. and go tubing down the river and have a cookout and i was gonna help build a float for the parade. also, i was looking forward to some of the free cheese they throw at the parade. wahhh. :(.

one of the reasons i was always to lazy to blog is because i wonder if i have anything of value to say. do my fourth of july plans bore people? more than likely. whenever i try to write something that remotely has any substance to it, it just comes out feeling fake... so would i rather be boring, or fake? that is the big question.

also, a very potter musical on youtube is just about the funniest thing i've ever seen. go to www.youtube.com/starkidpotter to watch. it made my life.

rant.

ok, i know it'sbeen a bit since i've posted but i really haven't had anything to talk about...

but now? i'm angry. some people in my life are so closed minded. it bothers me so much when people get violent-mouthed because something's happening that goes against their beliefs, yet the goingon isn't violent/harmful/etc. why can't people let well enough alone? how dare people assume they have the power to provoke me because -godforbid- i wear a pentagram necklace. it is never protruding during school--i know the limits. but why must i be accused of being awful because of this? i'm really jealous of people who are secure in their faith- be that catholicism, judaism, paganism, etc. but i'm not one of those people. and until i am, people shouldreally stop making assumptions.

this probably doesn't make any sense, but that's what happens when i'm angry.

words.

sometimes, i think i want to study language. more than languages- but linguistics. i want to know how words evolved into how they are. i long to know how swears became swears. because, honestly, how is fuck any different than say, door? they both have four letters, some vowels and consonants. yet, i'm uncomfortable saying the former around my parents. how has society done that to me? why do i think of someone who swears a lot as trashy? intelligent people swear. gah. yeah, i think about weird things.

in other news, i can run/walk a mile in 16 minutes when forced. :]

fitting in- the lack of.

you can't say i'm popular, because, well, i don't play that game. but people know me. i'm hyperinvolved-- stu.co rep, drama, just about all but sports, etc. so i have to wonder why i can't see to find a best friend.

i have friends- people i can have okay converstions with, sit with at lunch, and do projects with. i have people i'd like to be better friends with, too- people that occasionally gift me with their company. however, i have yet to find a friend that is willing to force me into being social like kate could or listen to my deepest whinging and crapiest stories like kayla. i've yet to stumble upon someone who can deal with my outspoken-ness and rule that converse are fair game with any outfit. no one has appeared to me as authentic and realistic as i need them to be. i need someone to keep me grounded, social, and in line. maybe i'm just too weird. or maybe i just need to tone myself down.

or lower my expectations.

first post with content.

so, today, i pondered what i could write my first real post about. some possible topics that came to me: the suckage of public transportation, how crap our cafeteria food is and how much i hate math. but i realized that i didn't really want my first post to talk about how much i hate stuff. because really- i'm not a hateful person, and i know that eventually there WILL be a post where i do nothing but whinge about my C- in algebra.

therefore- i'm composing a list of all the happy points in my life. i like lists, they're easy.

1. april vacation is next week!!
2. im eating a cadbury egg- my favorite easter candy. usually, they're gone the day after easter, but mum found them 50% off today! woot woot.
3. i don't have to wear my uniform tomorrow;; yay freshwomen luncheon.
4. the obamas got a dog & its cute! yay for bo. wow, i just realized that bo's name is the same as presidents initials. barack obama.
5. i got 100% on my latin quiz today.
6. i didn't have to make any awkward eye contact/small conversation on the bus today. that alone makes my day that much better.
7. for the most part, my peers like the sweatshirt i designed for them.
8. my ex-teacher who i love is getting a liver transplant like she needs. yay!
9. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANN MARIEEE!!

mmkay. i'm off to bed.

first post.

wow... so first post. i feel like i should have something great or witty or philosophical to say- i don't.

so instead, i'll start off with a few disclaimers:
1. you will find no capital letters on this blog.
2. i can't spell worth anything- sound. it. out.
3. my puncuation is excessive.
4. i occasionally write in a medley of french-latin-english-netspeak, so
if i throw in avec or semper or omgfml, deal.

there will be a ~real~ post soon. like, as soon as i can figure out what i have to say.